im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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