Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
