Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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