Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
