Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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