Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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