I just pynch a tree in the face
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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