im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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