i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
