Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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