It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
