Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
