She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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