Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Vodka?
Forever.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
