The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
