He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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