please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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