I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
