its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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