You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
