i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I queefed so loud it echoed.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
