apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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