I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
