Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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