The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
