You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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