it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
