Michael Bay diarrhea
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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