My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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