ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
