The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
