He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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