My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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