I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
