Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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