Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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