I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The best revenge is premature balding
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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