I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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