I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
