Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
