She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
