Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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