I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
