My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
