I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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