I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
