Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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