Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
