If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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