I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I cockslap morals
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
